Hey, here's a good tip to follow: Never throw out your ashtrays when trying to quit smoking. You'll end up using plates, Ziploc food containers of various sizes and shapes, and even a large metal spoon for snuffing out your butts. I can now no longer enjoy meals because I haven't any flatware or utensils to use that don't have nicotine stains or ash smears. Everything tastes like a cigarette. Of course, if I WASHED the dishes before using them, this might solve all the problems.

I am lying. I wash all of my dirty dishes.

There I go, lying again: I simply don't eat anything at home, I always go out.

Which might explain why I'm starving today, as there's about 2 feet of snow outside my door. Ooo, look out the window and behold how there is no front of my car! It is one giant snow drift! Behind it is a mysterious passenger side door and backseat section--but there is no engine or hood to be seen under all that white! I am the owner of a mutant Honda CR-V made of half car and half snow dune!

I am lying again... I have eaten just about everything in my house, including mixtures of coffee grinds, household cleansers, and some grated parmesan I found in an old shaker bottle. The weather is beautiful, not a flake or cloud in the sky, and the sun burns so brightly through my window I've got tan marks from my bra and undies that I sit around in, inside my house.

I am lying. I have only a townhouse.

That's not true. It's a one-bedroom apartment.

No, I'm lying: it's just a Maytag cardboard refrigerator box that has been stained yellow from all my cigarettes I smoke, and there's nothing but a bunch of spoons and plates that have crushed out butts on them.

I am now getting dressed to shovel shitloads of white onto already waist-high crappiles in the hope that I can move my car to somewhere that isn't here.