Something I may just print out and post inside the bathroom here...
Dear Seat Pisser,
This letter is being issued to you because the "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat" memo didn't make it into your inbox. Consider this a reprimand. One that will leave a yellow stain on your permanent record.
I am tired of having to open one bathroom stall door after another to find a suitable place in which to relieve my bladder due to your urinary untidiness. I don't know what malady ails your urethra to make it spray like a courtyard fountain all over the toilet seat (and even onto the floor below), but might I suggest that you try aiming a little more straight? Surely your legs must be sticky with dried wee wee and your suit pants must be moist at the Y from not being able to shoot an acurate stream. The shameful abundance of urine you leave in your wake discourages even the heartiest of us do-it-yourselfers from attempting a clean-up so that we can re-employ the porcelain. What with the abundance of toilet paper, paper towels, maxi pads, and even tampons--all fine, absorbant products provided to us free of charge--there is simply no excuse for leaving your little piss puddles on the floor. Why don't you just rip out some pubes for decorative garnish, while you're at it?
Might I also suggest that before assuming your ineffective peeing position of squatting linebacker, you look directly behind and above each commode. You will find a collection of handy dandy one-size-fits-all toilet seat covers in a neat single-serving dispenser. Remove a cover from the non-threatening cardboard dispenser--it won't inflict any paper cuts as the cover is made of harmless tissue paper, and I promise it certainly won't bite you. Then, gently tear the perforations to expose a large potty-sized hole inside the seat cover. This abscess represents the area in which you SHOULD HAVE been aiming your urine, instead of flooding all over like Exxon Valdez on the Alaskan peninsula. Now try placing the cover on top of the seat that you obviously dread touching with an inch of your rear thighs. This will allow you to enjoy a sanitary and comfortable sitting position, and your urination experience will become much more pleasant.
Aren't you tired yet of that nasty look your dry cleaner gives you each time you hand her/him yet another pile of your ammonia-smelling skirts and slacks? Haven't you wished you didn't have to treat your stockings, nylons, and pee-soaked socks like lepers from the rest of your delicate laundry? If you would only be a little bit neater instead of a hit-the-seater, I guarantee your relationship with your laundry and affiliated laundry services will be much improved all around.
Kindly consider our suggestion above. If you find that you can't comply with our recommendations, please find useful the coupon enclosed with this letter, good for one complimentary set of Depends undergarments.
Sincerely,
Everyone Who Has To Use This Restroom
PS - I've had to bribe Anne, the restroom attendant, to keep from choking you by shoving a men's urinal cake down your throat. You're welcome.