[Here's a pretentious entry, where I prove that my fingerprint is all over the pulse of American pop culture. You might even find me rewinding tapes at your local Blockbuster, snorting at your rental choices. Enjoy.]

I thought Happy Days was bad when Chuck Cunningham just disappeared mysteriously, but That 70's Show has TWO unexplained disappearances to account for: Lori Foreman AND Tina Pinciotti. Where did they go? Why are we letting Hollywood getting away with this irreverant obliteration of the American Small-Screen Family? I demand answers, Hollywood. And I will not accept shoddy paving over your plotholes, like how you brought back J.R. Ewing.

And Cartoons: you, too, have much to answer for. Robin, Shaggy, and Cliffjumper... You're as bad as Yoda, Grover, and Miss Piggy. NO MORE VOICE CASTING FROM THE SCHOOL OF FRANK OZ.

I demand other answers, Hollywood.

• Did David Lynch miss his Set Lighting 101 class?

• Is Quentin Tarantino forced to pay many millions in royalties to John Woo yet?

• Why is Woody Allen still working?

• Regarding your choice of Henry Winkler as the Fonz, since when did short Jewish men in leather jackets who are pretending to be Italian = rabble rousing juvenile delinquent?

• Can we please have one movie where Travolta doesn't do a fancy two-step or fox trot?

• Okay, Mark Wahlberg, we get it; you're an actor, now, not the leader of the Funky Bunch. If we pretend your rap career never existed, will you stay out of the camera?

You have much to answer for, and I'll be here, waiting.