Periodically, I think I have a fabulously clever thing to say.

This is obviously not one of those days.

Matt tells me that if I see him while he's on duty, he'll use his handcuffs on me. I told him to stop being a pussy tease.

Monkeys are great. They fling poo.

In other news, I hear England and Spain are joining forces to fight terrorism. If by "terrorism" they mean "heathens in the Holy Land," then it all makes sense; those countries are just still pissed off about the Crusades, and how they bungled the job. And really, all they want are relics anyway.

THERE IS NO GRAIL, KIDS. INDIANA JONES FOUND IT, REMEMBER?

Ah, popcorn. How I love it when you stick in my teeth so. You remind me of how I bit into a giant Sugar Daddy lollipop and yanked out a baby tooth. I sat frightened in the auditorium, waiting to be in our school play. Everyone was drinking Hi-C orangeade, I had blood.

Rebecca DeMornay was hosting a Stop Killing Rainforests beg-a-thon last week. The Brawny man is killing the White Bear, a species headed for extinction because we need to do things like drink from Dixie cups and wipe our ass. The White Bear is not a polar bear, it just has White Fur. "That is an amazing and beautiful creature!" I marveled. Eventually, I realized the beg-a-thon had Greenpeace stomped all over it, with natural rubber L.L. Bean boot soles. It was at that moment that I vowed to protest all foundations and activist groups that would apply harsh chemical bleaching agents to woodland creatures for a buck.

My breasts are shrinking because I stopped taking birth control. There isn't any point to keeping unnatural substances in my system (more than I already do).