I just spackled a hole in my wall in the kitchen, next to my clock. It was about six months ago, when I was partying much more than I am now. Anthony had gotten me pissed off during a cell phone conversation. The cell phone then made a smashing introduction to the kitchen wall, putting a nice, Nokia-sized hole in it.

The sad thing was that I was aiming for the clock.

And yet today, here I am feeling very remorseful about hurting his feelings.

"I just thought that you'd be going out of your way to call me, since I took you to the beach."

"But... I thought you'd think I was clingy if I called you after spending so much time with you. You don't like when I do that."

"Whatever works for you. I'm going to the gym."

You see, he'd called at 1:45 or so last night, and I'd left my cell in my car ("...and that's why I missed your call"). But I was out at a bar with Alex--and this fact, I did not mention to him.

No, there was no sex going on between us. All clothes remained on.

But yes, I'm confused sometimes. Because Alex shows me that it IS possible for me to meet someone who is like me, who I am attracted to, and who I can have good sex with. It's an awareness that burns me like a cool breeze on a raw, moist wound.

"You are settling," he tells me.

And I want to smack him because what, am I supposed to be foolish and harbor hopes that he's the one for me? You know, it all reminds me about Boss...

"I just don't want you getting your hopes up, thinking things like, 'Maybe he'll leave her.'"

And I thought to myself, I don't want you, you cheat on your wife!

Same with Alex. I do quite enjoy his company and all of his sordid man-whore stories, but damn if I'd ever put an ounce of effort towards a relationship with him. He seems to think that if he were still going to be in the area, instead of going back to school for his MFA, that we would have an excellent relationship. I tend to think otherwise. And I stop myself from ever thinking of "What if."

But Anthony was mostly unreceptive when I'd broached the "living together" subject. I don't think he wants to, or didn't want to, even before today's discontented events. So maybe, I think, some days alone at a beach house is the extent of our relationship's seriousness. He sees his housemate lose more hair as his planned wedding date approaches. He hears about his cousin's diet, which she engages in the hopes that her husband will have sex with her more often. He watched his mom go just about batty over thinking her man was cheating--which drove him to leave her and let the proposal go cold. Anthony harbors no optimism about marriage or long-term relationships.

It is always me who has ended things. Usually because of something cold or insensitive that came out of his mouth. It is no wonder he doubts me so much, and thinks a serious, strong relationship between us is a joke.

I deserve all this, too.