I realized that part of my blue mood is me missing Anthony. It was in bed when I was nearly asleep for a midday nap that it slid next to me, reminding me of what wasn't there: my old pal, Loneliness.

"What the fuck are you doing here again?" I asked it.

Loneliness replied, "Screw you, pal, where the hell else would I be? I'm so used to being here I should be paying you rent." And with that, Loneliness hit the hay.

The last time I saw Anthony was about 3 weeks ago, when I was still plagued with SARS. I'd just gotten out of the shower when I heard a really loud tapping... a rapping, at my chamber door.

I looked outside, but it was not Lenore.

Instead, Anthony had come to return my toiletries I'd left at his house: feminine hygiene products ("Rugs'n'Plugs" as my dad used to call them), tooth products, razors and hair stuff, all happily stuffed inside a Pikachu gift bag. Pikachu had a goofy smile on, which was a contrast of mockery considering the circumstances.

"I got your message. I'll just take my bottle of wine." Anthony was only here to do a last minute exchange; why should a $30 bottle of cabernet he bought be left to me? That's a perfectly fine booze he could be drinking!

So, wrapped in my bathrobe, I pull out the bottle of red from the fridge and hand it over without looking at him. I can't help but notice he's sort of standing there. Expectant. Waiting for...

"Goodbye."

I said it so quickly and noncommittally it surprised even me when it came out. I didn't mean for it to sound cold, like it did; it's just that it was so emotionless.

And he swiftly turned around and exited.

All the times before when we fought and went on long dry spells of no talking, I'd always wish he'd come over. Without notice. Just pop on over, no warning call, no nothing--because he cared enough about me or missed me so much that he wanted to be near me, that he'd ride all the way over, even risk me not being there when he arrived. He never did.

This time was the only time he came over my apartment unannounced.

Will we once again go in this cycle of getbacktogetherandbreakup?

*caw* Nevermore! *caw*