I like it when Ward and Ritchie hang out together with nothing but time, wasted time, on their dirty, idle hands. Because their mouths spit out gems, like "Body by Franco American" or "Cheeseburger Bridges."

"Body by Franco American" would refer to my ex. He had no problem topping off a day that had started so healthily with protein shakes and high-potency vitamins, by inhaling 10 beers and 2-day old chili dogs in the night... for his snack. He thought burning off 300 calories on a treadmill, pumping those legs like a chubby churning machine, meant he could set up camp at TGIF's all-you-can-eat bar.

Ritchie shot out another gem of the same cut and color when I told him I was once again single.

"So, your Fat Guy Outreach Program has come to an end, huh?"

The first time I heard "Cheeseburger Bridges," I saw a suspension bridge in my mind, and it was made out of 100% Grade A beef and hamburger buns.

"Gerard Depardieu. I hate that guy. He's got such a mangled face. He's like... a cross between Jeff Bridges, and a fucking... cheeseburger!"

And such great topics, like "Who is the most worthless actor / actress that should be blown off the face of the earth?" "Would you sleep with [famous person] if he / she weren't famous?"

I might sleep with a non-famous Cheeseburger Bridges, but only if I re-instate my Fat Guy Outreach program.